Not quite the plan

on finding my groove as a 30 something single girl and caregiver for mom with dementia

Not in the revised plan.


Am I on Life Plan C at this point, or D or perhaps P?  I am not sure how many times I have revised my hopes and expectations in caring for Mom.

But the other night was a hard conversation.  Sis and I agreed that it is time to put Mom in a home.  The only good reason to keep her out at this point is to wait longer until facing what will be a huge monthly bill from now until the end of her life.  But given how quickly she has gone downhill, that may not end up mattering.  We can pay for a facility for the foreseeable future.

But, Mom increasingly is overwhelmed by life at home, a household full of things to be moved around and hidden away. I worry about her getting into things she should leave alone. And we simply cannot watch her all the time. She gets up in the night or early morning and wanders the house.

And, it is time to start carving out a bit more of a life for me. I have thrilling fantasies of going to the gym after work, being able to leave for work without worrying if the caregiver is here yet, and perhaps having a friend over for dinner without interruption. Wild, right?

Suddenly it has been two and a half years in which my life has been dominated by caregiving. Where did that time go? I am mystified by all I used to do and how little seems to fit into my life now after the meds are dosed, we spend a little time together and Mom is fed and put to bed.

So it is time for a new plan, where she gets a higher level of care and I reclaim a corner of my own life. Plan Q, here we come!


Author: notquitetheplan

I am a mid-30s single girl, trying to climb the ladder, get a date... and make sure Mom takes her meds. It's not where I expected to be. But it's where I am and this blog is about embracing that.

10 thoughts on “Not in the revised plan.

  1. Bless you, hard decision but inevitable, wish you lots of love. My mum has my dad but he’s struggling and myself and sister when the time comes for the same decision I guess its mixed feelings of relief and guilt but I know it will come. Keep us posted on how things go and sending our support.

  2. You must think of yourself even if it is a difficult decision to make. The safety of your mother and your home will only help to ease your own worries and your own stress. The weight I had carried in my own hear for years was lifted the moment my mother moved into her facility. They care for her 24 hours a day and care for her better than I ever could. I certainly recommend telling your mother’s story to the nursing staff at the facility. It helps them understand her wants, needs and actions better if they know what she was prior to this terrible disease.
    Big hugs to you and your family.

  3. I feel for you making this tough decision. Hope it works out for you both.

  4. There are two people in our Alzheimer’s support group who have recently placed their loved one into facilities. The process and adjustment has gone perfectly smoothly for both. I hope the same is true for you.

  5. That’s a tough decision to make but, sounds like a good one for all involved. I hope the transition is a good one for all involved.

  6. Good luck to you and your Mother. I’ve enjoyed your blog posts and hope you continue even though your role as her caretaker is changing.

  7. You are making the right decision. I remember making the same one for my mother and how difficult it was. Guilt, worry, etc. But the truth is that most facilities are run by caring people who can handle situations we cannot manage at home, even with caregiver support.

  8. Oh! That’s a surprise – I hadn’t clocked from your posts quite how far your mum had gone downhill. Add my voice to those saying that I’m sure you are doing the right thing – you’ve clearly sacrificed a lot (and a lot more than most people would do) to keep your mum safe and happy this far into the dementia journey…. Does she know yet? x

  9. My mom is in a memory care unit, ask me anything. Plus as a nurse, I’m in them quite a bit. I totally understand.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s