Like today. Where I actually mix up words as I say them. I obviously know all the right words but I hear them coming out of my mouth in a slightly wrong order. And it takes me three trips back upstairs to gather everything together to be ready to go to the doctor’s office. Some days I forget things that should be easy to remember, like what book I finished just a few days before. And it scares me.
Do not be confused. I am not actually scared that I have dementia right now. Odds are good that I get it one day, but my plan is to worry about that then. But what scares me is how far my life is stretching me. My brain can only juggle so many loose ends and unresolved questions. I need to pick up the meds, call the assisted care place, find the missing toilet paper, pay the bills, talk to the caregiver about hours, and take the random items out of the freezer that Mom has stashed there. And when did she last have a glass of water?
And too, I find myself feeling that I need to remember everything I have shared with Mom since if I forget, then those memories are gone forever. So I want to hold on to the memories of a happy family. Of my competent mother.
Which leaves my mind full of these memories and worries and the endless things to do. My brain is simply too full and stretched by the crazy life of mine. And so I find myself grasping for the right word. Just like someone with dementia. Just like Mom.